Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
