I'm so fucking centered right now
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
