I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
