paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
