either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
