he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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