I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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