Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
