You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
