Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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