I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
