If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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