Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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