I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
