HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
