My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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