I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
