Umm I'm too high to move.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
