He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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