my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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