You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
