hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You can't motorboat a personality
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
