Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
