I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
