I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
