2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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