I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
