My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
