yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
