"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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