when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
