The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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