well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
