Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
please don't ironically join a cult
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