walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize