I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
