I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize