$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
