Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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