Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
