I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We had to coat check the pizza.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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