Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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