I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize