I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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