dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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