I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
