he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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