i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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