I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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