I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
