im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
