God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
