Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize