I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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