So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There are leaves in my underwear?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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