Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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